Attending the Ballarat tournament is like entering a rodeo despite having bull allergies; in order to do well you must combat impending self-inflicted pain with superhuman strength. Although the former was always trying to undo the latter, everyone came home in one piece. The two themes of self-inflicted pain and superhuman strength were deeply imprinted in each of the weekend’s events.

On the point of self-inflected damage, it didn’t take Soph Naughton long. She absentmindedly drove herself, her other half, and Bozzle via Bendigo (she will be quick to argue she was “10 minutes from Bendigo”) on Saturday morning. Meanwhile Jen was posting photos of her ‘natural beauty’ via Soph’s facebook while Bozzle was crushing (or playing Candy Crush). The results were the Naughtons were late for their game and Bozzle strolled remorsefully into the stadium with 10 minutes remaining in his.

The basketball, as always, was the biggest point of focus for the weekend and provided a deep well of superhuman strength, filled to the brim by our Melbourne Uni players. My personal favourite moment would have to be when the Altona Women’s, Men’s and Men’s Youth League were matched up against our Big V Women’s, Big V Men’s 2nd and 1st teams respectively in our quarter final match ups, all taking place at 4:15 on the Saturday. In all games, Melbourne Uni accounted for Altona and in all previous games involving the two clubs Altona had won. It would’ve been a long drive back to the oil refineries for Altona.

The Big V women’s team unfortunately came runner up in the A-Grade competition to Ballarat, as the ring would simply not cooperate with our layup attempts in the final minutes. Ballarat’s basketball rings’ intransigence aside, throughout the weekend we were able to see highlights like Claire furiously running around her opponents stealing the ball at will, Rhia and Kylie raining threes, post players Cat, Sophie McCallister and Sarah Skeels tossing aside hapless opposing players and Caitlyn Mackenzie doing likewise on the perimeter. Our C-grade women weren’t able to make finals after being forced into David vs Goliathesque match ups, with A-grade quality players wanting an ego boost. However they didn’t have the luxury of being armed with a sling and stones and thus fell short. They did smash a team who Meaghan was reported to have said “were all smaller than me”.  

The Big V men lost their semi-final game owing to a mass evacuation by their team mates; left with 5 players they were unable to defeat Keysborough. Through Jack “Shaq Fu” Railton-Woodcock’s post play, Tim Clark’s elbow jumpshot, Callum Repper’s strength and hustle and Philpot’s disgusted facial expression at every double team he received followed by a pinpoint and pressure-relieving pass, they got to that stage. Although athematic to self-inflicted damage and superhuman strength, the tactics used by Warrnambool’s import were nothing short of fascinating. Matched up against our bearded prodigy Alex “Not A-God but a god” Godina, he would constantly engage him in dialogue and try to befriend him. Initially he told him that his hair was nice. Then his shoes. Then when Alex made a shot: “Oh, I see you, I’ll respect your shot now”. Then when he took him to the basket: “Oh, ok, you got smooth moves, I like your game you’re smooth”. It was an all-game conversation leaving Alex confused, fascinated and hoping he didn’t see him at Bluestone.

The C and B-Grade men fell short in their semi-final matchups also. It was lovely to see the Cozmo union in B-Grade go to work with Smoke’s ferocity and Fidler’s savvy veteran-ness which produced an expected combination of offensive boards and good shooting. Similarly it was great to see some MUBC mainstays like Aiden, Andrew, Sam Tolomei and Michael Kruger come to the tournament with newer faces Stephan, Jason and Brent. I will publically thank Jason and Michael for listening – and contributing to – my many rants throughout the weekend. My favourite play in C-Grade would certainly be the play where Bernie sent his opponent careening out of bounds under the basket with a box-out before collecting the rebound in the now vacated key.

Perhaps the finest display of superhuman effort was by the Big V Men’s 2nds. Led by Claudio scything through opposition defences with speed, Nathan Luke summoning thunderstorms with three point shooting and Billy and Simon Clark dispensing opponents with ease the 2nds claimed some high calibre scalps enroute to the semi-finals. These were Altona’s Division 1 Big V team, Ballarat’s Youth League (with a 16 point half time deficit) and the Melbourne Ballers. Documentary film crews were ready to descend onto Ballarat to make a film but turned around when they heard we lost to Warrnambool in the semis.  

Off the court was more conducive to self-inflicted damage. For instance: Sarah Pizzey, unsatisfied with injuring her neck during the game, decided to pole dance on a street sign (Streetpole as I’m told it’s called) and fall on her head for a second time; Jerry, depending on how you look at it, was either self-damaging or self-enhancing with his womanly exploits; Hobba, my Ballaratian mate who hosted pres on the first night no doubt showed how much of a self-destructive larrikin he is to those present; and Philpot I’m sure caused himself much pain with his inadequate shooting in ‘Boom’.

There were superhuman elements off the court too however, such as the following superhuman badinage (a witty conversation for those who haven’t played Cranium) that Philpot gave rise to after seeing Bozzle lethargically and laboriously stumble down the hallway towards us:

Philpot: “Is Bozzle in any danger of getting out of neutral tonight? Look at him walk! He’s so flat right now.”
Myself: “I think he’s stuck in park to be honest.”
Philpot: “No, I think he’s trying to get out of park but he’s left the handbrake on!”

Our accommodation, Darren’s (Also known as the Eastern Backpackers), to a first time patron may appear to be some sort of Orwellian dystopia: enforcement of the rules was meant to be austere, with a disproportionately large bond demanded, and enjoyment or expression of individuality appeared to be supressed as much as possible. Additionally it was located near a lab which had ‘radioactive material’ signs and suspicious looking soil samples in it. The features of Darren’s were also as dysfunctional but ingratiating as they often are under authoritarian regimes: a bar, but no drinks served; loud dance music, but no one listening or dancing; soap dispensers that dispense not soap but some foul smelling goo; beds, but they are so meticulously positioned next to streetlights that sleep is near impossible. Much like Big Brother, Darren, its spectre-like owner, wasn’t seen anywhere but you could always feel that he was watching you, his hand on your shoulder. There was also a horrific painting of a naked woman in the ‘lounge’ area, for Darren must be a quirky kind of guy. Quickly you would realise though that Darren, if he exists, must simply be a shambles of a human being and his place is just abysmally run. Only the superhuman good-blokedness of the MUBC company staying there could make being in such a place enjoyable, and truly enjoyable it was.

That said, on the final night I can only conclude my subconscious was ordering me to stay away from Darren’s. Completely unrelated to alcohol I rested my aching hips by lying down on concrete while waiting for Walker and Cozzy to collect Damo but then they must’ve engaged in some serious badinage. At least an hour later I was woken up by some seriously concerned strangers and walked home alone, completely forgetting the agreement with Cozzy and Walker and they must’ve done likewise. I then tried to shut Darren’s awful roller shutters to shield myself from the blinding streetlight at the window; instead they came crashing down creating what Claudio said “sounded like a gunshot”, waking everyone in the room. Then, we all went back to sleep.

So whether you summoned superhuman strength or endured self-inflicted pain or a combination Ballarat was a time of captivating revelry. I look forward to seeing you all for such revelry very soon at an MUBC event - hopefully round 1 of Big V this Saturday!

And the weekend’s best (known) quotes:

 “Don’t you think that ref looks like a Garden Gnome?” – Bozzle. See above and make your own comparison – I think he’s spot on.

“Bozzle, take off your bloody handbrake!” – Philpott, yelled at Bozzle many times throughout that night.

“Altona has been sent home” – Steam Roller, immediately after the A grade quarter finals.

“No, that was Hogben. Believe it or not we are two different people.” – Scott Cuffe

“Bloody oath I did!” – Nathan Luke, when asked if he heard the crashing of the roller shutters.